New Reasons to Despise Humanity

I sit here alone in my office all day, trying to either work, get more work, or wrestle with Quickbooks to record my meager successes.  In general, I have a rosy disposition about humanity, but this last week my trust and faith (in my fellow man) has been slugged away at like a rock star's mistress.

Free

weasel: Hi, sir, I just want to verify your business info for our free Internet business listing.
me: No, you're trying to sell me something.
weasel: No, this is absolutely free, there is nothing to buy, I just want to verify your address, phone, and website so you can get your listing in our directory.

***verification ensues***

weasel: ok, let me just get some things recorded for our records.  Are you the person at your company who authorizes purchases?
me: I'm not buying anything.  I didn't order anything.  I am not authorizing any contracts or payments.
weasel: oh now this is free, we'll update you and get you going on your 14 day free trial today!
me: and after the 14 days, I do NOT want any services, contracts, or bills from you.  And I DON'T want to have to call some magic phone number to cancel anything.  If I want your services, I want to have to initiate the deal myself.
weasel: Oh, that will be easy... all you have to do is when you see our service tacked onto your phone bill, you can call us and cancel.
me: I did NOT order that, I do NOT want that, and I am NOT authorizing that.
*click*

---


Cancel Anytime

shark: Hi, we are a telecommunications company, calling about your account with us. 
me: I don't have an account with you.
shark: Sure you do.  it's in our system.
me: No I have never heard of you.  You have never contacted me, and I have never started an account with you.
shark: So would you like to cancel?
me: There is nothing to cancel.
shark:There is a $460 cancellation charge.
me: No there isn't.  There is no account.  Goodbye.

*click*

Pens
Desperate Slave Worker: Hi, you remember we talked a few months back about buying promotional custom imprinted pens for your business?  (we had talked about laser LED flashlights, but what the hell)  Well I have a stock overage (same story as the flashlights) and I have to blow them all out of here by tonight (if this is true, they need better inventory management, maybe I can make them some software for that).  I'll pay for the imprinting, and sell them to you for just cost plus shipping.
me: Dude.  I'm struggling to keep the lights on here.
*click*

Poor Kids that Need to Go to Hawaii, or
Sick Mothers, or
Abandoned Puppies

...we join the conversations in progress...

Scammer: You truly mean you can't spare $25 to help ?  You can't spare the price of one lunch? (I usually eat for $5 to $7)  I have met a lot of small people, but...

When I started my business, I had this idea that people would be calling my phone number to ask things like, Can you make a web site for my small business?   Something is terribly awry here.  I know that most of you are not like this, and I am am really not down on us as a species, but I could use a break here.  And 9 or ten new website contracts.